At 2am, I made instant noodles. I haven’t had or whipped up a bowl of snapchat comfort in years, and this was really a last resort.
But it was so carnally satisfying. No frills. Just 2 minutes in a frothing pot, remove, powder packs over, stir, slurp. No fancy eggs or feel good scallions. Just plain old noodles following instructions. I’m in a food coma now, semi concussed on the bed.
Dreams of eggs…
The more I see you,
The more I want you.
Somehow this feeling
Just grows and grows.
With every sigh I become more mad about you,
More lost without you,
And so it goes.
Can you imagine
How much I’ll love you
The more I see you
As years go by?
I know the only one for me can only be you.
My arms won’t free you;
My heart won’t try.
A picture can speak a thousand words. But I find that lacking when I think about describing you. Maybe a song; a wordless, soaring undulating crest of a wave.
I see your dreams and I want to be right there with you. Savouring the journey, as gently, as wild as we do.
I count it a privilege to be able to cradle your head and ruffle your hair every day. Maybe a day will come when that all changes, but still I will be happy to have held you.
This concludes probably the biggest day of my career so far. Having been project manager of this charity barefoot walk for 9 months, seeing things come together in a mad flurry of 4 hours was truly rewarding and almost hazy.
2 hours before the event began, the skies were red and heavy dark clouds rumbled above the event grounds. Lightning illuminated the deep maroon. The forecast said Heavy Thunderstorms - a mere 85% chance of an epic downpour. But I had a sense. I felt, beyond any doubt, that God said He was going to take care of this. Obviously when the faintest of drizzles misted the air, my heart sank a little. But in my spirit, I knew God was walking with me, saying my child, it is going to be great. Within 10 minutes, the treacherous clouds were blown a mile away, then two, then three. God you are so good to me.
If I could thank a person, it would be you over and over. As we stared at the dreary skies, you held me and said it was going to be fine. You never lie to me, so part of me felt assured as well.
Thank you for waking up at an unearthly hour to keep me company on the way to the site. Maybe you knew I might be nervous anchoring such a large event, that all my work culminated in this day. Even though you slept in the cab, it was still comforting to have you with me.
Thank you for helping out when I didn’t ask you to, for going beyond and serving selflessly. Many times I looked around for you and I’d see a blue blur scurrying around carrying heavy boxes like one of the volunteers.
Thank you for holding my things even though you were exhausted, for buying me delicious food knowing that makes me happiest, and being exuberant with me when it’s not in your nature.
It’s been a spectacular day. And all the better with you near me.
When does sharing a happy moment become showing off?
I’m afraid now, to share anything I’ve done well because you might try to bring me back to earth. I do ask myself what I really mean by it when I share victories or emerging out of difficult situations. I think I just want you to celebrate with me, to say it was a good job done and that you’re proud of me. Just a bit of support.
But I am afraid to even whisper. If I can’t share my successes, if I can’t feel like you think I’m smart, then what can I?
I often dream the worst scenarios, and I think that happens so that I can deal with them and preempt for future.
Last night was different. We were walking by a pretty neighbourhood and saw a few homeless people in an open Square. One was a friend and I spoke briefly with her to see how we could help her out. I don’t remember the conclusion of that.
We headed off but not before we noticed a thin, homeless teenage girl throwing up into a drain. People milled around but did nothing. My first reaction was admittedly disgust, but you went to her and asked what the matter was. Turning to me, you said, let’s take her home and clean her up. I nodded and you carried the dazed girl in your arms.
We let her shower as I busied myself making the largest loaded salad. I clothed her and warmed her up. She spoke softly, no one’s ever been kind to me. You said to me, good job babe.
We watched her wolf the food down and at that moment I remember looking at you and thinking this was home.
Why would you try to placate me with hugs and laughs? As if time solves all problems? As if positive feelings reverse the pain. Just say you’re sorry, make a note to change and get on with it.
It’s funny how quickly I see through these cheap attempts at righting wrongs. The more wool pulled over my eyes, the more I am acutely aware of the slowly festering wound once stung by shrapnel.
In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.
Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
Oh, you fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can’t get out.
Can I be close to you?
Can I be close to you?
Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?
When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,
But my world is you.
If I could stay up on your behalf tonight so you could get a good night’s rest, I would. Even if you didn’t know it was me, I’d still stay up.
I’m praying you have a productive night, & that you’ll get a pinch of rest.